There is a season. Lately, it's been a time to mourn and a time to celebrate. I've been grappling with loss again lately and while I am not ready to talk about it, I am honestly expressing why I have been so negligent about posting.
I am also working full steam on the wedding! We have accomplished a ton of important things lately, from the venue to the catering, to dresses and tuxes and so on. There are so many details to putting together a wedding that I just didn't spend time considering. Of course, I got caught up in the littlest details, and some things that mattered a lot to me before matter less now.
In the past few weeks I learned a lot about things I can't control and things I can control, as well as things that while I could try to control them, are better left in someone else's control. Letting go is not always easy, especially when it's something you really would prefer not to let go of. Some things, like if the wedding party all wears satin or chiffon, are things to let go of and give up to majority vote. In some respects, the last few weeks have really forced me to grow up and alter my perspective of the world and my little space in it.
I learned that sometimes it is hard to find something to be grateful for, but there is always something there, right in front of you, even if you don't see it right away. Sometimes, you can't figure out how to photograph it. Sometimes, it's obvious and impossible to not get the perfect image. Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you managed to snap a photo, because that moment will live on in your memory.
I learned that life is precious and fleeting, but everything happens for a reason, and we don't always have control over the outcome of certain life situations. You can only appreciate what you have and learn from loss or disappointment. Everything helps you become a better person in the long run. You should always learn what you can from every situation thrown at you, and take the time you need to celebrate, mourn, or explore deep thoughts you never knew you had. Then, when the time is over, move on with your new-found knowledge and continue to live your life.
I spent a lot of time thinking about Bobby and what I had learned from him. I focused on his love of life and his optimism. I tried to apply it to my own hard times and turned to my family and friends for support when I needed it. I learned that I don't always have to be strong on my own. I learned that my Mom is still my rock and always has my back. I learned that I truly lucked out in finding my life partner and couldn't have done better if I tried to design him myself. My Bear is my hero, and I am so grateful for his love and support.
I learned that when I start to feel that old depression weighing down on me, I need to look around for something to make me smile and appreciate this life of mine, with all it's ups and downs. I wrote out my feelings rather than bottling them up. I wrote out my frustrations and my guilts, my hopes and my dreams and my sorrows and my joys. I wrote until I couldn't write anymore. And I left my depression in the pages and kept my joy in my heart.
I am writing now to tell you, my awesome readers, that heartache is a normal part of life. Sometimes, things are not fair and we feel cheated with the hand we were dealt, but life doesn't have an agenda involving "fair" and "unfair". There is no "short straw". The whole point of living is experience. The human experience. It comes with pain and elation, suffering and leisure. Without both sides of the coin, we would never truly appreciate one or the other. Without moments of grief equal to our moments of joy, we would not fully experience life.
The time I was quiet on the blog I was living and struggling and laughing and crying and raging and contemplating and meditating... I went on an epic little journey to the edge of what I knew and back, and wanted to share it with you in a little way. I hope you, too, will go out and make the most of the time you have with the people you share that time with.